Red Sox on FOX

The Red Sox week long meltdown has been brutal. I don't have any desire to write much about it now, but here is something from Saturday:

For a change FOX is actually blessing me with the Sox-Yanks game. I'm going to celebrate by keeping a running blog during the game. This is also simply to cling to my sanity in an attempt to refrain from jamming something in my own ears for having to listen to the stellar FOX broadcast for nine innings or, heaven forbid, longer.

3:17: The Red Sox go down 1-2-3 in the first. That makes it 16 straight innings without a run. Did I mention that I also have to listen to Smarmy Joe Buck and Clueless Tim McCarver call the action? For some inexplicable reason, there is nothing Buck enjoys quite as much as the misfortunes of the Sox. I should start drinking now.

3:22: Nick Green makes a great throw for the first out of the bottom of the first. The guy makes a ton of errors but occasionally he unleashes an absolute laser like that one.

3:23: Buck and McCarver are already harping on how bad Buchholz has been since his no-hitter. Cut to Youk botching a fly ball in left...right after I defended how he has done out there so far. Jesus.

3:24: Making a very large Captain Morgan and Diet Coke.

3:28: Clay whiffs Teixeira. And then he throws a curve at A-Rod's head...which hits his bat for a foul ball. Noted liar, cheater, and bush leaguer A-Rod tries to claim that the ball hit his shoulder. It did not. And somehow, this punk manages to become even more unlikeable. He then grounds out to end the inning.

3:34: Smarmy and The Moron wax poetically about the weather today. "This is almost like an August day in C.C. Sabathia's youth," babbles McClueless. What is that even supposed to mean?

3:35: Buck analyzes whether the Yankee Stadium booing directed at Big Papi is gamesmanship or disgust. How about both? Is there a different inflection or tone for one over the other?

3:38: 17 innings. No runs. No baserunners yet today. On the flip side, I have plenty of alcohol.

3:43: Clay's career road record: 1-9. And right now the Sox are competely unable to score. Reverse lock, so of course I bet on them today.

3:45: Nick Swisher grounds into a DP to end the 2nd. His habit of looking toward the heavens before every pitch drives me mental.

3:50: FOX sideline reporter Ken Rosenthal analyzes the black hole that has been the Boston Red Sox shortstop position since 2004. I'm a Theo Epstein fan, but this is a fair point. Rosey sums up Nick Green quite succinctly, stating, "Right now, this is what they have." In a related story, it's now been 18 innings with no runs.

3:54: We just got the first FOX promo of the day for Fringe. Chance that we will see the Fringe character known as "The Observer," aka The Creepy Bald Guy, in the stands at the stadium today: 80%.

3:59: McCarver on Derek Jeter coming up with two on and no outs: "He's having too good a year to be expected to bunt in this situation." Five seconds later, Jeter attempts a bunt.

4:00: He is still babbling about how the defense is "not prepared for Jeter to be bunting." I think the fact that they watched him bunt might be relevant.

4:02: The Sox turn their second DP, and it's a huge one.

4:05: Doucheface Teixeira gets the Yanks on the board with an RBI single, as Buck continues to slurp the entire Yankee starting nine: Jeter's "amazing year," Benedict Damon's status as a "gamer," etc. Sickening. Buchholz's control problems are even worse. Human Rally Killer A-Rod (last night notwithstanding) grounds out to end the threat. The problem is that a one run deficit feels like ten at this point.

4:09: Jacoby Ellsbury shows bunt to start the 4th, and I'm fine with him doing that every time until we score a god damned run. Jacoby then Ks. Sabathia looks on today, reminding me how unfortunate it is that I have to maintain such ill will toward a 6'7", 290 pound guy named C.C.

4:13: The Red Sox are 4 for their last 57. 19 innings and counting, by the way.

4:28: "It feels like the Red Sox are playing with a 30 man roster right now," opines the genius McCarver. We're starting Kevin Youkilis in LF, we picked up our backup shortstop on waivers two days ago, we called up yet another bullpen arm today just to have someone able to pitch in relief, we ended last night's game with a kid making his major league debut, and we have no idea who is going to start in Smoltz's spot next week. Typical brilliant McCarver misanalysis.

4:31: Buchholz works out of another jam on a nasty changeup. "Buchholz has been pretty good," mumbles Buck through his gritted, Boston-hating teeth. One run through four in a park the size of a cardboard box against the most expensive lineup in the history of the sport. Yeah, pretty good. Jackass.

4:38: Buck has stepped up onto his sanctimonious soap box to rail against the perils of HGH. He might actually have a point if he didn't come off sounding like such a holier-than-thou prick, as if the fact that he speaks into a microphone makes him a guardian of the grand old game.

4:41: Big Papi draws a walk, and the Sox have their first baserunner of the game.

4:50: McClueless still can't believe we won the World Series in 2004. That's understandable since he probably doesn't even know what year it is now.

4:51: Clay whiffs Jeter. Buchholz looks like he might be getting stronger by the inning. He's hitting 94 on the gun and his curve is sharp. If we waste this kind of effort from him I'm going to be livid.

4:52: Damon doubles over Youk's head on a ball that a real outfielder might catch.

4:55: Teixeira walks. It seems like most of Clay's walks come immediately after something bad happened. This is a huge issue against this team in this park. He cannot expect to keep dodging bullets.

4:57: A-Rod is retired on an entirely pussified excuse-me check swing.

5:00: My son is screaming as Beth carts him off to the bathroom for a poopy attempt. Luckily it is loud enough to drown out Dumb and Dumber in the FOX booth. Clay gets Matsui on an easy grounder to end another threat.

5:04: The Sox have no hits heading to the sixth. I'm calling an unlikely hero to bust this thing up. My money is on Nick Green.

5:05: Sabathia buckles Kotchman's knees on a nasty curve. Yippee. I still think he is a string of arm and knee problems just waiting to happen, and that his contract will be a total albatross within three years.

5:06: My unsung hero Nick Green flies out to left.

5:06: Jacoby singles solidly to center. Thank god that bullshit is over. Now let him steal twice so we can remember what it's like to have a guy on third base, since it's been about 20 innings.

5:08: Pedroia is called out on a foul tip third strike. Dustin gets a little hot and Tito sprints out, immediately inserting himself between the home plate ump and the reigning MVP. Why? Because we might have Manny Delcarmen playing second base if Pedey gets tossed.

5:09: Okay, I'm not going to lie: the GI Joe commercial with Kid Rock over it is all kinds of awesome.

5:13: Cano hits a leadoff double. If they score, a two run lead will essentially be insurmountable. That's honestly how it feels at this point.

5:14: Joe Girardi clearly feels the same way, as he has Swisher sacrifice Cano over to third.

5:16: Intentional walk to Melky Cabrera in order to face Harpo Molina. Part of the logic here is that I could beat Molina in a foot race, thus setting up a potential DP on any ground ball.

5:18: Sac fly for the Flying Molina Brother. We're cooked. If we come back to steal this one it will be the unlikeliest win of the season.

5:24: Red Sox 3-4-5 hitters this series: 2 for 32. Wait, and we're really not scoring any runs? Shocking.

5:27: Victor Martinez draws a lead off walk and C.C.'s pitch count is up to 100. Is there really a chance?

5:29: Youk follows with a hit. Two on, none out, Papi coming up. Yeah, this is a huge at bat.

5:32: Papi gets rung up on a HORRIBLE call. This brings up Mike Lowell, in the midst of his transformation into the Tin Man. Lowell hits a weak grounder to second and despite Youk making a great take out slide, Jeter still has enough time to hop over Youk, land, and throw Lowell out at first. That was absurd.

5:36: Clay is done for the day. Can't ask for much more from him. Oh, and Youk appears to have banged himself up a little on that slide. Great, that's exactly what we need. "He has an owwie on his knee," observes A.J. as Youk tries to get loose in left.

5:41: Ramirez drills A-Rod in the elbow armor and is ejected immediately. This is insane. Pedroia got thrown at not once but TWICE Thursday night. We're activating guys off the street and we just lost one of our set up guys after one out. Absolute bullshit.

5:48: I don't want to say that our pitching staff is in a shambles, but for the second straight game we have a relief pitcher entering a game in a huge spot to make his season debut. Welcome to the party, Enrique Gonzalez!

6:01: Wheels are coming off.

6:05: 3-0. Could have been worse. Sabathia is still in, heading to the 8th.

6:08: When you are in dire need of runs, seeing "Drew, Kotchman, and Green due up" does not exactly inspire a world of confidence.

6:10: Sabathia is done, and gets a big hand. Sure, he was great, but this doesn't make me resent and hate the obnoxious, entitled New York fans and their credit card franchise any less.

6:20 Jeter hits an absolute garbage homer into the right field seats of this putrid band box. I'm done. No reason to record any more of this. The bottom line is that the Red Sox just need to wrap up this series, limp home, lick their wounds, and get back on track. I really think they are still a playoff team. We'll see if they eventually start playing like it.

Predictable Shaughnessy Bullshit

I feel bad even acknowledging the absolutely predictable, "the sky is falling" column from Dan Shaughnessy in today's Boston Globe. But I'm really pissed about how the Red Sox are playing right now, so instead of ripping them, let's delve into this piece of shit columnist and his latest paint-by-numbers negative horseshit.

In Reverse Gear And Skidding Fast

CHB: "...Kevin Youkilis in left." He drops this bon mot in the first sentence, as if it is some sort of mortal baseball sin to throw Youk out there in LF. In his career, Youk has ventured into the outfield on 21 occasions...and handled 43 total chances without an error. Is he Willie Mays in the outfield? Of course not. But so far it has not presented even the slightest hint of a problem having Youk out there. CHB brings up the simple statement "Youkilis in left," again, hammering away at a point that just doesn't exist.

CHB: "And the Red Sox are sinking like a stone in the American League East." The Red Sox are 3.5 games back. If the season ended today, they would be in the playoffs. They have a 2.5 game edge over the next closest team behind them in the division. They have the 4th best record in all of baseball. In other words, this statement is vintage, baseless Shaughnessy Chicken Littling.

CHB: "Casey Kotchman had just made everyone forget Adam LaRoche (who?) with a two-run homer that gave the Sox a 3-1 lead in the top of the inning." This is just shitty writing. His snide insertion of "who?" takes any steam out of his shaky attempt at making a point to begin with. This sentence is complete nonsense, and yet it still manages to make Shaughnessy come off negatively, even while mentioning a positive occurrence for the Sox. Typical of his work. What an asshat.

CHB: "Then it was over, faster than you could say, “Fireball Fred Wenz.’’" This is a reference to a pitcher that played in all of nine total games for the Red Sox over 40 years ago. Worthless.

CHB: "Everybody loves Smoltz the way Everybody loves Raymond." Lazy reference to a sitcom that has been off the air for over four years.

CHB: "Suddenly the thought crosses the mind that the Red Sox might not even make the playoffs. It happened to the Patriots. It can happen to Boston’s baseball team, too." Entirely contrived point, and completely, 100% irrelevant. One thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other. It warrants mentioning that the Patriots lost their starting quarterback in the first quarter of the season and still tied for the best record in their division. However, Shaughnessy would never let facts get in the way of him taking an unwarranted dig at a local player or team. What a dick. Seriously.

CHB: "Lastly, there is the matter of one Big Papi (.222), who went 0 for 5; he is 0 for his last 16 and 1 for 19 since those first two games after the disclosure that he is on The List." Statistical cherry picking at its finest. Why the odd phrasing "since those first two games after the disclosure?" Because Big Papi homered in those first two games. Is CHB actually saying that the reveal of the list didn't start wearing on Ortiz until after those first two games? No, he just wants to spoon feed the readers more negative bullshit, which he can't do as strongly as he would like by using the actual statistics. This is beyond being a negative douche. It is basically literary fraud.

I hate Shaughnessy so much because his entire career is based on wallowing in negativity, and yet he can't even do it creatively. It's like a retarded monkey doing Mad Libs at this point. But instead of "noun, verb, and adjective," we get "statistical manipulation, spineless irrelevant dig, and worthless conjecture and hyperbole." He needs to go away. The world, and especially the world of a Boston sports fan, would be much better off without his stinking presence.

Viewing confessional

Somehow Beth and I got to talking about Catholicism recently, and that got me thinking that I should confess to some of my recent viewing sins. Here they are:

I watched 66 episodes of Entourage in about a week and a half. Yes, this is kind of sad. Even sadder when you learn that I had already seen every episode in question at least once. I honestly didn't plan to do this, so here is how it happened. I picked up the DVD set of season five and watched it all to prepare for the new season that began a few weeks ago (I am a huge dork and I always rewatch the previous season before a new one begins). But I really got back into it so I decided to go all the way back to the first season and then just plowed through the rest of them...all 66 episodes.

I DVRed and fully enjoyed Dating In The Dark on ABC. If you haven't seen it, it really is worth checking out. Three guys and three girls get to meet and date each other without ever seeing what the other person looks like. It's not nearly as cheesy as it sounds. Sure, there is some dark room groping going on, but it is compelling to watch these people develop feelings for each other without base physical attraction as a component. The producers have done a good job of throwing the contestants a little bone here and there: one episode had a sketch artist come in to draw what the people thought each other might look like. The following week, the guys were allowed to look through the ladies's luggage to learn about them, and vice versa. By the end of each episode, each participant picks another that they want to meet--after finally having gotten a look at them. This results in a person waiting anxiously on a balcony, hoping that the mate they have selected still digs them in the daylight. In the event that the match wants to bail, the poor sap on the balcony literally has to watch the person snub them and leave through the front door. As summer garbage programming goes, this is pretty solid.

I also eagerly recorded and watched More To Love on FOX, also known as "The Fatchelor" or "Fat Bachelor." It's exactly what it sounds like--The Bachelor, but with overweight people. Luke checks in at around 6'3" and 330 pounds, according to the on-screen measurements that they shamelessly flash very frequently. He isn't morbidly obese, just a little hefty. And there's certainly nothing wrong with that. Ahem. Anyway, he seems like a genuinely good guy. His female companions seem to have quite a weight range, from around 180 pounds up to nearly three bills. There are some that certainly don't qualify as "fat," and there are a few that are quite beefy. Naturally, all of their heights and weights are gratuitously displayed too. Judging from the first episode and the season previews, it seems like they are playing this straight, and it's simply a bigger guy that appreciates full-figured women. HOWEVER, we are talking about the FOX network here, and so I am fully expecting some sort of "shocking twist," in which they try to tempt the guy with thinner, hotter women. And if they do this, it will be completely disgusting. I feel bad enough for some of these contestants as it is. Most of the ladies clearly have major issues about their weight, and some of the poor girls admit to never having been on a date before. So I'm sure doing so in a contrived setting for the viewing pleasure of millions of people will do wonders for their confidence.

I don't know why, but watching this show makes me feel bad. And it shouldn't. I'm overweight, so that isn't it. The guy seems very genuine, and kind, so no issue there. And so far, every single one of the ladies appears to be, in dating show parlance, "there for the right reasons." But something about it just feels wrong. I can't really place my finger on it, but maybe it will become clear after a few more episodes. And yes, I will certainly be watching more.

The List - #96 completed

96. Paint AJ's room.

I have never painted a room before. The only thing even close was helping my mom take down some old wallpaper in our former house in Chatham, and that was nearly twenty years ago, and honestly the only thing the two have in common is that they both involve bedroom walls. When we moved into our current house, we had professionals paint several rooms and they did a great job. But it seemed like we could handle doing one room ourselves. So we had at it.

My brother was in town a month ago and he helped me with the primer. Reverse that--I helped him. He was a machine and he actually did most of it. I didn't anticipate that it would tire me out so quickly, going from the high spots to the low, climbing up and down on the ladder, straining to reach the corners, mashing the roller to get every drop of paint out--it was kind of a workout. Anyway, we got it primed and I just didn't want to commit to jumping in for the final painting job, until I was feeling it this weekend. I think it came out pretty well, and now that I know I am capable of it, I'm sure that I'll get drafted to do the same thing in the nursery before the little girl arrives in November. And that's fine. Painting rooms for the kids makes me feel especially dad-like, even if I am still picking the paint flecks off my skin two days later.