Red Sox on FOX

The Red Sox week long meltdown has been brutal. I don't have any desire to write much about it now, but here is something from Saturday:

For a change FOX is actually blessing me with the Sox-Yanks game. I'm going to celebrate by keeping a running blog during the game. This is also simply to cling to my sanity in an attempt to refrain from jamming something in my own ears for having to listen to the stellar FOX broadcast for nine innings or, heaven forbid, longer.

3:17: The Red Sox go down 1-2-3 in the first. That makes it 16 straight innings without a run. Did I mention that I also have to listen to Smarmy Joe Buck and Clueless Tim McCarver call the action? For some inexplicable reason, there is nothing Buck enjoys quite as much as the misfortunes of the Sox. I should start drinking now.

3:22: Nick Green makes a great throw for the first out of the bottom of the first. The guy makes a ton of errors but occasionally he unleashes an absolute laser like that one.

3:23: Buck and McCarver are already harping on how bad Buchholz has been since his no-hitter. Cut to Youk botching a fly ball in left...right after I defended how he has done out there so far. Jesus.

3:24: Making a very large Captain Morgan and Diet Coke.

3:28: Clay whiffs Teixeira. And then he throws a curve at A-Rod's head...which hits his bat for a foul ball. Noted liar, cheater, and bush leaguer A-Rod tries to claim that the ball hit his shoulder. It did not. And somehow, this punk manages to become even more unlikeable. He then grounds out to end the inning.

3:34: Smarmy and The Moron wax poetically about the weather today. "This is almost like an August day in C.C. Sabathia's youth," babbles McClueless. What is that even supposed to mean?

3:35: Buck analyzes whether the Yankee Stadium booing directed at Big Papi is gamesmanship or disgust. How about both? Is there a different inflection or tone for one over the other?

3:38: 17 innings. No runs. No baserunners yet today. On the flip side, I have plenty of alcohol.

3:43: Clay's career road record: 1-9. And right now the Sox are competely unable to score. Reverse lock, so of course I bet on them today.

3:45: Nick Swisher grounds into a DP to end the 2nd. His habit of looking toward the heavens before every pitch drives me mental.

3:50: FOX sideline reporter Ken Rosenthal analyzes the black hole that has been the Boston Red Sox shortstop position since 2004. I'm a Theo Epstein fan, but this is a fair point. Rosey sums up Nick Green quite succinctly, stating, "Right now, this is what they have." In a related story, it's now been 18 innings with no runs.

3:54: We just got the first FOX promo of the day for Fringe. Chance that we will see the Fringe character known as "The Observer," aka The Creepy Bald Guy, in the stands at the stadium today: 80%.

3:59: McCarver on Derek Jeter coming up with two on and no outs: "He's having too good a year to be expected to bunt in this situation." Five seconds later, Jeter attempts a bunt.

4:00: He is still babbling about how the defense is "not prepared for Jeter to be bunting." I think the fact that they watched him bunt might be relevant.

4:02: The Sox turn their second DP, and it's a huge one.

4:05: Doucheface Teixeira gets the Yanks on the board with an RBI single, as Buck continues to slurp the entire Yankee starting nine: Jeter's "amazing year," Benedict Damon's status as a "gamer," etc. Sickening. Buchholz's control problems are even worse. Human Rally Killer A-Rod (last night notwithstanding) grounds out to end the threat. The problem is that a one run deficit feels like ten at this point.

4:09: Jacoby Ellsbury shows bunt to start the 4th, and I'm fine with him doing that every time until we score a god damned run. Jacoby then Ks. Sabathia looks on today, reminding me how unfortunate it is that I have to maintain such ill will toward a 6'7", 290 pound guy named C.C.

4:13: The Red Sox are 4 for their last 57. 19 innings and counting, by the way.

4:28: "It feels like the Red Sox are playing with a 30 man roster right now," opines the genius McCarver. We're starting Kevin Youkilis in LF, we picked up our backup shortstop on waivers two days ago, we called up yet another bullpen arm today just to have someone able to pitch in relief, we ended last night's game with a kid making his major league debut, and we have no idea who is going to start in Smoltz's spot next week. Typical brilliant McCarver misanalysis.

4:31: Buchholz works out of another jam on a nasty changeup. "Buchholz has been pretty good," mumbles Buck through his gritted, Boston-hating teeth. One run through four in a park the size of a cardboard box against the most expensive lineup in the history of the sport. Yeah, pretty good. Jackass.

4:38: Buck has stepped up onto his sanctimonious soap box to rail against the perils of HGH. He might actually have a point if he didn't come off sounding like such a holier-than-thou prick, as if the fact that he speaks into a microphone makes him a guardian of the grand old game.

4:41: Big Papi draws a walk, and the Sox have their first baserunner of the game.

4:50: McClueless still can't believe we won the World Series in 2004. That's understandable since he probably doesn't even know what year it is now.

4:51: Clay whiffs Jeter. Buchholz looks like he might be getting stronger by the inning. He's hitting 94 on the gun and his curve is sharp. If we waste this kind of effort from him I'm going to be livid.

4:52: Damon doubles over Youk's head on a ball that a real outfielder might catch.

4:55: Teixeira walks. It seems like most of Clay's walks come immediately after something bad happened. This is a huge issue against this team in this park. He cannot expect to keep dodging bullets.

4:57: A-Rod is retired on an entirely pussified excuse-me check swing.

5:00: My son is screaming as Beth carts him off to the bathroom for a poopy attempt. Luckily it is loud enough to drown out Dumb and Dumber in the FOX booth. Clay gets Matsui on an easy grounder to end another threat.

5:04: The Sox have no hits heading to the sixth. I'm calling an unlikely hero to bust this thing up. My money is on Nick Green.

5:05: Sabathia buckles Kotchman's knees on a nasty curve. Yippee. I still think he is a string of arm and knee problems just waiting to happen, and that his contract will be a total albatross within three years.

5:06: My unsung hero Nick Green flies out to left.

5:06: Jacoby singles solidly to center. Thank god that bullshit is over. Now let him steal twice so we can remember what it's like to have a guy on third base, since it's been about 20 innings.

5:08: Pedroia is called out on a foul tip third strike. Dustin gets a little hot and Tito sprints out, immediately inserting himself between the home plate ump and the reigning MVP. Why? Because we might have Manny Delcarmen playing second base if Pedey gets tossed.

5:09: Okay, I'm not going to lie: the GI Joe commercial with Kid Rock over it is all kinds of awesome.

5:13: Cano hits a leadoff double. If they score, a two run lead will essentially be insurmountable. That's honestly how it feels at this point.

5:14: Joe Girardi clearly feels the same way, as he has Swisher sacrifice Cano over to third.

5:16: Intentional walk to Melky Cabrera in order to face Harpo Molina. Part of the logic here is that I could beat Molina in a foot race, thus setting up a potential DP on any ground ball.

5:18: Sac fly for the Flying Molina Brother. We're cooked. If we come back to steal this one it will be the unlikeliest win of the season.

5:24: Red Sox 3-4-5 hitters this series: 2 for 32. Wait, and we're really not scoring any runs? Shocking.

5:27: Victor Martinez draws a lead off walk and C.C.'s pitch count is up to 100. Is there really a chance?

5:29: Youk follows with a hit. Two on, none out, Papi coming up. Yeah, this is a huge at bat.

5:32: Papi gets rung up on a HORRIBLE call. This brings up Mike Lowell, in the midst of his transformation into the Tin Man. Lowell hits a weak grounder to second and despite Youk making a great take out slide, Jeter still has enough time to hop over Youk, land, and throw Lowell out at first. That was absurd.

5:36: Clay is done for the day. Can't ask for much more from him. Oh, and Youk appears to have banged himself up a little on that slide. Great, that's exactly what we need. "He has an owwie on his knee," observes A.J. as Youk tries to get loose in left.

5:41: Ramirez drills A-Rod in the elbow armor and is ejected immediately. This is insane. Pedroia got thrown at not once but TWICE Thursday night. We're activating guys off the street and we just lost one of our set up guys after one out. Absolute bullshit.

5:48: I don't want to say that our pitching staff is in a shambles, but for the second straight game we have a relief pitcher entering a game in a huge spot to make his season debut. Welcome to the party, Enrique Gonzalez!

6:01: Wheels are coming off.

6:05: 3-0. Could have been worse. Sabathia is still in, heading to the 8th.

6:08: When you are in dire need of runs, seeing "Drew, Kotchman, and Green due up" does not exactly inspire a world of confidence.

6:10: Sabathia is done, and gets a big hand. Sure, he was great, but this doesn't make me resent and hate the obnoxious, entitled New York fans and their credit card franchise any less.

6:20 Jeter hits an absolute garbage homer into the right field seats of this putrid band box. I'm done. No reason to record any more of this. The bottom line is that the Red Sox just need to wrap up this series, limp home, lick their wounds, and get back on track. I really think they are still a playoff team. We'll see if they eventually start playing like it.