Podcast with Erik Rebich

Podcast #3 is a chat with the man getting married next week, Erik Rebich. Check it out for breaking news about the golf pairings, plans in case a last-minute escape happens before the ceremony, thoughts on the Broncos 2-0 start, and more.

Download or listen here now!

Patriots thoughts

I thought about writing this last night, but then it would have just been an angry rant about how the Patriots really should have won the game. But as much as it pains me to say this, the Jets deserved this one, and strangely enough, the blame goes to the Pats offense. Simply put, any time the 2009 Patriots hold their opponents to a total in the teens, we need to win. Period. Repeatedly settling for field goals just isn't going to cut it, and yesterday was a prime example of that. So what was the problem? There were two, really.

1. Play calling. When the Patriots are lighting the scoreboard up like a Christmas tree, they often do it with an exotic array of formations and play calling, and yet they went a hard 180 degrees the other way against the Jets. Former Boston Globe and new ESPN Boston Pats beat man Mike Reiss does an excellent job of breaking down specific play participation information after each game, and he noted that the Pats used the one back, one tight end, three receiver alignment on 76 of 77 offensive snaps yesterday. This is partially due to injuries...but it's still insane. When you know that an opponent is going to blitz as often as the Jets, you have to make their job harder by throwing different looks at them. People will be quick to say that missing Wes Welker was the biggest problem for the offense, but his rookie replacement, Julian Edelman, had eight catches for 98 yards, and everyone would have been satisfied with that same stat line from Welker, had he played. Granted, there were a few times where Edelman had to be told where to line up pre-snap, but overall he had a very solid game and looked every bit like the Welker 2.0 everyone hopes he will turn out to be.

The other thing that mystifies me about the game plan was the lack of opportunity given to Kevin Faulk. He is universally viewed as the Pats best receiving running back, and he also has a reputation as a great blitz pick-up blocker. He was only on the field for 24 offensive snaps. I don't get it. I don't remember a single screen pass thrown his way, which seems like an ideal weapon against a blitzing defense. Faulk caught one ball for three yards all day. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I also don't understand why Fred Taylor wasn't utilized more, as he looked powerful in eating up yards on the few carries he had.

2. Tom Brady. Yup, I said it, because right now he's part of the problem. I thought his second half performance against Buffalo was evidence that he had knocked the rust off, but it's clearly not the case. He just doesn't look like himself. He seems skittish in the pocket, he's more reluctant than ever to scramble or tuck it away and run, and his lack of accuracy on his mid range and deep throws is remarkably bad. Sure, a lot of that is due to the defense that he faced yesterday. And despite all that pressure, he wasn't sacked once, and he deserves credit for that. But there was no rhythm in the passing game at all, especially any time he targeted Joey Galloway, who looked pretty lost most of the time.

It was a discouraging defeat, especially given how well our defense played in the first half. If the Pats had converted just a single one of those first half field goals into a touchdown, it might have been an entirely different result. I think the team can adjust, and I do think the offense will find its stride eventually. There were some positives to take out of the loss, notably Edelman's breakout game and Fred Taylor racking up 5.8 yards per carry. But the offensive play calling was atrocious, and that needs to change for this team to step up and move forward. I also think Tom Brady will be fine, but the reality is that he hasn't played in a year and it takes quarterbacks time to get their mojo back. I have confidence that he will, and when he does, this offense will begin to look like its old self again.

Podcast with Junior

I'm shocked how many people actually listened to the first podcast. Sincerely, I thought maybe half a dozen people would check it out, and it did much better than that, so I was more than happy to record another one. This time I talk to Chris "Junior" Rebich, who gives us more wedding lowdown (including the connection between Dumb and Dumber and what he will be wearing at the wedding), discussion of Shaw B's wick and fire levels, as well as his thoughts on the Rockies pursuit of a postseason berth and the troubling start to the CU football season.

Click here to listen or download it now!

Patriots preview

I am as keyed up for the upcoming Patriots season as any previous one I can remember. It doesn't mean my expectations are the highest, because we have had teams that were stronger top to bottom, with fewer question marks in important areas. So let's talk about those:

1. Brady's health. Obviously this is key, although as the team proved last year, it isn't the be all, end all of how the season will go, as evidenced by racking up an 11-5 record with a quarterback who had essentially never played before. It really sucks that the Pats missed the playoffs, because this was one of the greatest regular season achievements ever, and it got glossed over because we lost a tiebreaker. But for us to get back to the juggernaut of 2007, we need Tom's knee to hold up. All signs indicate that he is fine, and I relish the thought of watching him play with a chip on his shoulder and the idea, real or perceived, of having something to prove.

2. A big transition year for the defense. Core veterans Tedy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, and Richard Seymour are all gone. Outside linebacker is the position that concerns me most, but it doesn't seem like Coach Belichick feels the same way, as the Pats didn't do much to strengthen the area on draft day or through trades, aside from picking up hybrid end Derrick Burgess from Oakland. Trading away Seymour makes a lot of sense, as the 2011 first round pick could turn into absolute gold, while we were almost undoubtedly going to let Big Sey walk at season's end anyway. Jarvis Green has done a great job for us before, and I expect him and the two rookie defensive tackles to fill that spot by committee. The bottom line is that we need to generate a pass rush, and I have faith that The Hoodie will find a way to get it done. I also look forward to Defensive Rookie of the Year Jerod Mayo improving, which is a great thought because he's already one of the best linebackers in the game.

3. Can the offense match 2007? Wes Welker made some comments early in camp alluding to the fact that he thought this year's offense might be better than 2007's, which seems absurd since that was the best offensive team in the history of the sport. But he might be onto something, as the team has more depth and talent at running back, tight end, and possibly even wide receiver. They also have added some young depth to the offensive line. It's hard to predict that the Pats can match the sum output of that undefeated regular season, but the pieces are definitely in place to make a run at it. And that makes me really, really happy. Bring back the cries of the Patriots running it up--a charge that I think is absolutely asinine in a professional football league. Bring back the late game "eff you" touchdown. Bring back Tom Brady and company shredding the record books en route to an amazing season. I'm ready for all of it. Let's kick it off already!

Random annoyances of the week

Three things that are bugging me more than they deserve

1. The wanton references to any chosen fan base as "(blank) Nation." Sure, I'm a little possessive about this one, because obviously Red Sox Nation is the most well known, and it also happens to be appropriate. Travel anywhere and you'll find Red Sox fans. I was at a castle in the French countryside in '86 and ran into a kid my age wearing a Sox hat, and I ended up talking to him for ten minutes, getting a full report on Roger Clemens' brilliant performance in the All-Star game just days before, which I had missed because I was in Europe. That is a "nation" of fans. Throwing "Steeler Nation" around just because they won the most recent Super Bowl is stupid and annoying, and it really needs to stop.

2. Cell phone one-ear headsets. I know that people like these, and if I talked on my phone a lot I probably would too. But these people just remind me of Lobot from The Empire Strikes Back.

3. Americans that call soccer "football." Just stop it. Or move to a country that cares about soccer. Or better yet, just stop watching soccer.

Podcast with Shaw B

I've decided to spice up the blog that almost nobody reads with a podcast that nobody will listen to! Forget that Dos Equis guy, because in my first episode, I chat with the most interesting man in the world, the Minister of Fire himself, the inimitable Shaw Bolsinger. We discuss the upcoming event in Boulder Shaw refers to as "The Kentucky Derby of weddings," as well as the Denver Broncos and Shaw's outlook on their chances this season. If you know Shaw B, you'll probably enjoy it. He might even mention you.

Click here to listen or download the podcast now!

The List - #111 completed

111. Watch a Red Sox game from the Green Monster seats at Fenway Park.

Okay, this one was kind of a fish-in-a-barrel choice for the list because I already had the tickets in hand. But still. First off, I had never been up there. These tickets are ridiculously tough to get a hold of and the Red Sox hold an annual lottery simply for the right to purchase them. I got lucky in the drawing a couple of years ago but we weren't around at the time, so those standing room tickets went to my brother instead. He had a blast and it sounded like I would too, so I continued to take yearly shots at the drawing.

This year I lucked out yet again. Even better, I was able to get second row seats for a game during a time frame in which I knew we would be back in Massachusetts. The seats completely lived up to my lofty expectations. The view is unique, of course, and fantastic. But I was also pleasantly surprised at the relative comfort. As anyone who has been to Fenway knows, these seats were not designed with the proportions of a 21st century human being in mind. And since I fall, umm...well to the far end of that spectrum, suffice it to say that I have a rough time sitting in just about any seat in the house. But the Monster seats are stools, with enough room that I was not banging my knees on anything. There is also a little shelf-like table perfect for holding food, drinks, cameras, and the like. There are a pair of little concession stands up there solely for the Monster seats, and a nearby bathroom tucked away behind a corner as well. All things considered, these are probably my favorite Fenway seats I've ever had.

The List - #133 completed

133. Build a sandcastle with A.J.

Long time, no blog. We had a great family vacation to the Cape and we've just been getting situated since we got back last weekend. I thought that A.J. would have fun building sandcastles on the beach, and he definitely did. It was even his idea, one he picked up from an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse when they do just that on the moon. He already knew which tools were required, and he began listing these off for me before we even left on the trip. "I need a bucket," he told me. "And a shovel." No problem.

Since this was his first time, we went with the basic castle architecture--four corner turrets each the size of the bucket on hand. This worked very well the first time, and it would have as well on sand castle day number two unless Little Miss Helpful came along to give us a hand. You know the type--somebody else's random kid that just shows up and starts playing. It was fine, although I always find this a little bit odd considering I have literally know idea who this girl was or where her parents might have been. But she did bring a bigger bucket, which helped.

Red Sox on FOX

The Red Sox week long meltdown has been brutal. I don't have any desire to write much about it now, but here is something from Saturday:

For a change FOX is actually blessing me with the Sox-Yanks game. I'm going to celebrate by keeping a running blog during the game. This is also simply to cling to my sanity in an attempt to refrain from jamming something in my own ears for having to listen to the stellar FOX broadcast for nine innings or, heaven forbid, longer.

3:17: The Red Sox go down 1-2-3 in the first. That makes it 16 straight innings without a run. Did I mention that I also have to listen to Smarmy Joe Buck and Clueless Tim McCarver call the action? For some inexplicable reason, there is nothing Buck enjoys quite as much as the misfortunes of the Sox. I should start drinking now.

3:22: Nick Green makes a great throw for the first out of the bottom of the first. The guy makes a ton of errors but occasionally he unleashes an absolute laser like that one.

3:23: Buck and McCarver are already harping on how bad Buchholz has been since his no-hitter. Cut to Youk botching a fly ball in left...right after I defended how he has done out there so far. Jesus.

3:24: Making a very large Captain Morgan and Diet Coke.

3:28: Clay whiffs Teixeira. And then he throws a curve at A-Rod's head...which hits his bat for a foul ball. Noted liar, cheater, and bush leaguer A-Rod tries to claim that the ball hit his shoulder. It did not. And somehow, this punk manages to become even more unlikeable. He then grounds out to end the inning.

3:34: Smarmy and The Moron wax poetically about the weather today. "This is almost like an August day in C.C. Sabathia's youth," babbles McClueless. What is that even supposed to mean?

3:35: Buck analyzes whether the Yankee Stadium booing directed at Big Papi is gamesmanship or disgust. How about both? Is there a different inflection or tone for one over the other?

3:38: 17 innings. No runs. No baserunners yet today. On the flip side, I have plenty of alcohol.

3:43: Clay's career road record: 1-9. And right now the Sox are competely unable to score. Reverse lock, so of course I bet on them today.

3:45: Nick Swisher grounds into a DP to end the 2nd. His habit of looking toward the heavens before every pitch drives me mental.

3:50: FOX sideline reporter Ken Rosenthal analyzes the black hole that has been the Boston Red Sox shortstop position since 2004. I'm a Theo Epstein fan, but this is a fair point. Rosey sums up Nick Green quite succinctly, stating, "Right now, this is what they have." In a related story, it's now been 18 innings with no runs.

3:54: We just got the first FOX promo of the day for Fringe. Chance that we will see the Fringe character known as "The Observer," aka The Creepy Bald Guy, in the stands at the stadium today: 80%.

3:59: McCarver on Derek Jeter coming up with two on and no outs: "He's having too good a year to be expected to bunt in this situation." Five seconds later, Jeter attempts a bunt.

4:00: He is still babbling about how the defense is "not prepared for Jeter to be bunting." I think the fact that they watched him bunt might be relevant.

4:02: The Sox turn their second DP, and it's a huge one.

4:05: Doucheface Teixeira gets the Yanks on the board with an RBI single, as Buck continues to slurp the entire Yankee starting nine: Jeter's "amazing year," Benedict Damon's status as a "gamer," etc. Sickening. Buchholz's control problems are even worse. Human Rally Killer A-Rod (last night notwithstanding) grounds out to end the threat. The problem is that a one run deficit feels like ten at this point.

4:09: Jacoby Ellsbury shows bunt to start the 4th, and I'm fine with him doing that every time until we score a god damned run. Jacoby then Ks. Sabathia looks on today, reminding me how unfortunate it is that I have to maintain such ill will toward a 6'7", 290 pound guy named C.C.

4:13: The Red Sox are 4 for their last 57. 19 innings and counting, by the way.

4:28: "It feels like the Red Sox are playing with a 30 man roster right now," opines the genius McCarver. We're starting Kevin Youkilis in LF, we picked up our backup shortstop on waivers two days ago, we called up yet another bullpen arm today just to have someone able to pitch in relief, we ended last night's game with a kid making his major league debut, and we have no idea who is going to start in Smoltz's spot next week. Typical brilliant McCarver misanalysis.

4:31: Buchholz works out of another jam on a nasty changeup. "Buchholz has been pretty good," mumbles Buck through his gritted, Boston-hating teeth. One run through four in a park the size of a cardboard box against the most expensive lineup in the history of the sport. Yeah, pretty good. Jackass.

4:38: Buck has stepped up onto his sanctimonious soap box to rail against the perils of HGH. He might actually have a point if he didn't come off sounding like such a holier-than-thou prick, as if the fact that he speaks into a microphone makes him a guardian of the grand old game.

4:41: Big Papi draws a walk, and the Sox have their first baserunner of the game.

4:50: McClueless still can't believe we won the World Series in 2004. That's understandable since he probably doesn't even know what year it is now.

4:51: Clay whiffs Jeter. Buchholz looks like he might be getting stronger by the inning. He's hitting 94 on the gun and his curve is sharp. If we waste this kind of effort from him I'm going to be livid.

4:52: Damon doubles over Youk's head on a ball that a real outfielder might catch.

4:55: Teixeira walks. It seems like most of Clay's walks come immediately after something bad happened. This is a huge issue against this team in this park. He cannot expect to keep dodging bullets.

4:57: A-Rod is retired on an entirely pussified excuse-me check swing.

5:00: My son is screaming as Beth carts him off to the bathroom for a poopy attempt. Luckily it is loud enough to drown out Dumb and Dumber in the FOX booth. Clay gets Matsui on an easy grounder to end another threat.

5:04: The Sox have no hits heading to the sixth. I'm calling an unlikely hero to bust this thing up. My money is on Nick Green.

5:05: Sabathia buckles Kotchman's knees on a nasty curve. Yippee. I still think he is a string of arm and knee problems just waiting to happen, and that his contract will be a total albatross within three years.

5:06: My unsung hero Nick Green flies out to left.

5:06: Jacoby singles solidly to center. Thank god that bullshit is over. Now let him steal twice so we can remember what it's like to have a guy on third base, since it's been about 20 innings.

5:08: Pedroia is called out on a foul tip third strike. Dustin gets a little hot and Tito sprints out, immediately inserting himself between the home plate ump and the reigning MVP. Why? Because we might have Manny Delcarmen playing second base if Pedey gets tossed.

5:09: Okay, I'm not going to lie: the GI Joe commercial with Kid Rock over it is all kinds of awesome.

5:13: Cano hits a leadoff double. If they score, a two run lead will essentially be insurmountable. That's honestly how it feels at this point.

5:14: Joe Girardi clearly feels the same way, as he has Swisher sacrifice Cano over to third.

5:16: Intentional walk to Melky Cabrera in order to face Harpo Molina. Part of the logic here is that I could beat Molina in a foot race, thus setting up a potential DP on any ground ball.

5:18: Sac fly for the Flying Molina Brother. We're cooked. If we come back to steal this one it will be the unlikeliest win of the season.

5:24: Red Sox 3-4-5 hitters this series: 2 for 32. Wait, and we're really not scoring any runs? Shocking.

5:27: Victor Martinez draws a lead off walk and C.C.'s pitch count is up to 100. Is there really a chance?

5:29: Youk follows with a hit. Two on, none out, Papi coming up. Yeah, this is a huge at bat.

5:32: Papi gets rung up on a HORRIBLE call. This brings up Mike Lowell, in the midst of his transformation into the Tin Man. Lowell hits a weak grounder to second and despite Youk making a great take out slide, Jeter still has enough time to hop over Youk, land, and throw Lowell out at first. That was absurd.

5:36: Clay is done for the day. Can't ask for much more from him. Oh, and Youk appears to have banged himself up a little on that slide. Great, that's exactly what we need. "He has an owwie on his knee," observes A.J. as Youk tries to get loose in left.

5:41: Ramirez drills A-Rod in the elbow armor and is ejected immediately. This is insane. Pedroia got thrown at not once but TWICE Thursday night. We're activating guys off the street and we just lost one of our set up guys after one out. Absolute bullshit.

5:48: I don't want to say that our pitching staff is in a shambles, but for the second straight game we have a relief pitcher entering a game in a huge spot to make his season debut. Welcome to the party, Enrique Gonzalez!

6:01: Wheels are coming off.

6:05: 3-0. Could have been worse. Sabathia is still in, heading to the 8th.

6:08: When you are in dire need of runs, seeing "Drew, Kotchman, and Green due up" does not exactly inspire a world of confidence.

6:10: Sabathia is done, and gets a big hand. Sure, he was great, but this doesn't make me resent and hate the obnoxious, entitled New York fans and their credit card franchise any less.

6:20 Jeter hits an absolute garbage homer into the right field seats of this putrid band box. I'm done. No reason to record any more of this. The bottom line is that the Red Sox just need to wrap up this series, limp home, lick their wounds, and get back on track. I really think they are still a playoff team. We'll see if they eventually start playing like it.

Predictable Shaughnessy Bullshit

I feel bad even acknowledging the absolutely predictable, "the sky is falling" column from Dan Shaughnessy in today's Boston Globe. But I'm really pissed about how the Red Sox are playing right now, so instead of ripping them, let's delve into this piece of shit columnist and his latest paint-by-numbers negative horseshit.

In Reverse Gear And Skidding Fast

CHB: "...Kevin Youkilis in left." He drops this bon mot in the first sentence, as if it is some sort of mortal baseball sin to throw Youk out there in LF. In his career, Youk has ventured into the outfield on 21 occasions...and handled 43 total chances without an error. Is he Willie Mays in the outfield? Of course not. But so far it has not presented even the slightest hint of a problem having Youk out there. CHB brings up the simple statement "Youkilis in left," again, hammering away at a point that just doesn't exist.

CHB: "And the Red Sox are sinking like a stone in the American League East." The Red Sox are 3.5 games back. If the season ended today, they would be in the playoffs. They have a 2.5 game edge over the next closest team behind them in the division. They have the 4th best record in all of baseball. In other words, this statement is vintage, baseless Shaughnessy Chicken Littling.

CHB: "Casey Kotchman had just made everyone forget Adam LaRoche (who?) with a two-run homer that gave the Sox a 3-1 lead in the top of the inning." This is just shitty writing. His snide insertion of "who?" takes any steam out of his shaky attempt at making a point to begin with. This sentence is complete nonsense, and yet it still manages to make Shaughnessy come off negatively, even while mentioning a positive occurrence for the Sox. Typical of his work. What an asshat.

CHB: "Then it was over, faster than you could say, “Fireball Fred Wenz.’’" This is a reference to a pitcher that played in all of nine total games for the Red Sox over 40 years ago. Worthless.

CHB: "Everybody loves Smoltz the way Everybody loves Raymond." Lazy reference to a sitcom that has been off the air for over four years.

CHB: "Suddenly the thought crosses the mind that the Red Sox might not even make the playoffs. It happened to the Patriots. It can happen to Boston’s baseball team, too." Entirely contrived point, and completely, 100% irrelevant. One thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other. It warrants mentioning that the Patriots lost their starting quarterback in the first quarter of the season and still tied for the best record in their division. However, Shaughnessy would never let facts get in the way of him taking an unwarranted dig at a local player or team. What a dick. Seriously.

CHB: "Lastly, there is the matter of one Big Papi (.222), who went 0 for 5; he is 0 for his last 16 and 1 for 19 since those first two games after the disclosure that he is on The List." Statistical cherry picking at its finest. Why the odd phrasing "since those first two games after the disclosure?" Because Big Papi homered in those first two games. Is CHB actually saying that the reveal of the list didn't start wearing on Ortiz until after those first two games? No, he just wants to spoon feed the readers more negative bullshit, which he can't do as strongly as he would like by using the actual statistics. This is beyond being a negative douche. It is basically literary fraud.

I hate Shaughnessy so much because his entire career is based on wallowing in negativity, and yet he can't even do it creatively. It's like a retarded monkey doing Mad Libs at this point. But instead of "noun, verb, and adjective," we get "statistical manipulation, spineless irrelevant dig, and worthless conjecture and hyperbole." He needs to go away. The world, and especially the world of a Boston sports fan, would be much better off without his stinking presence.

Viewing confessional

Somehow Beth and I got to talking about Catholicism recently, and that got me thinking that I should confess to some of my recent viewing sins. Here they are:

I watched 66 episodes of Entourage in about a week and a half. Yes, this is kind of sad. Even sadder when you learn that I had already seen every episode in question at least once. I honestly didn't plan to do this, so here is how it happened. I picked up the DVD set of season five and watched it all to prepare for the new season that began a few weeks ago (I am a huge dork and I always rewatch the previous season before a new one begins). But I really got back into it so I decided to go all the way back to the first season and then just plowed through the rest of them...all 66 episodes.

I DVRed and fully enjoyed Dating In The Dark on ABC. If you haven't seen it, it really is worth checking out. Three guys and three girls get to meet and date each other without ever seeing what the other person looks like. It's not nearly as cheesy as it sounds. Sure, there is some dark room groping going on, but it is compelling to watch these people develop feelings for each other without base physical attraction as a component. The producers have done a good job of throwing the contestants a little bone here and there: one episode had a sketch artist come in to draw what the people thought each other might look like. The following week, the guys were allowed to look through the ladies's luggage to learn about them, and vice versa. By the end of each episode, each participant picks another that they want to meet--after finally having gotten a look at them. This results in a person waiting anxiously on a balcony, hoping that the mate they have selected still digs them in the daylight. In the event that the match wants to bail, the poor sap on the balcony literally has to watch the person snub them and leave through the front door. As summer garbage programming goes, this is pretty solid.

I also eagerly recorded and watched More To Love on FOX, also known as "The Fatchelor" or "Fat Bachelor." It's exactly what it sounds like--The Bachelor, but with overweight people. Luke checks in at around 6'3" and 330 pounds, according to the on-screen measurements that they shamelessly flash very frequently. He isn't morbidly obese, just a little hefty. And there's certainly nothing wrong with that. Ahem. Anyway, he seems like a genuinely good guy. His female companions seem to have quite a weight range, from around 180 pounds up to nearly three bills. There are some that certainly don't qualify as "fat," and there are a few that are quite beefy. Naturally, all of their heights and weights are gratuitously displayed too. Judging from the first episode and the season previews, it seems like they are playing this straight, and it's simply a bigger guy that appreciates full-figured women. HOWEVER, we are talking about the FOX network here, and so I am fully expecting some sort of "shocking twist," in which they try to tempt the guy with thinner, hotter women. And if they do this, it will be completely disgusting. I feel bad enough for some of these contestants as it is. Most of the ladies clearly have major issues about their weight, and some of the poor girls admit to never having been on a date before. So I'm sure doing so in a contrived setting for the viewing pleasure of millions of people will do wonders for their confidence.

I don't know why, but watching this show makes me feel bad. And it shouldn't. I'm overweight, so that isn't it. The guy seems very genuine, and kind, so no issue there. And so far, every single one of the ladies appears to be, in dating show parlance, "there for the right reasons." But something about it just feels wrong. I can't really place my finger on it, but maybe it will become clear after a few more episodes. And yes, I will certainly be watching more.

The List - #96 completed

96. Paint AJ's room.

I have never painted a room before. The only thing even close was helping my mom take down some old wallpaper in our former house in Chatham, and that was nearly twenty years ago, and honestly the only thing the two have in common is that they both involve bedroom walls. When we moved into our current house, we had professionals paint several rooms and they did a great job. But it seemed like we could handle doing one room ourselves. So we had at it.

My brother was in town a month ago and he helped me with the primer. Reverse that--I helped him. He was a machine and he actually did most of it. I didn't anticipate that it would tire me out so quickly, going from the high spots to the low, climbing up and down on the ladder, straining to reach the corners, mashing the roller to get every drop of paint out--it was kind of a workout. Anyway, we got it primed and I just didn't want to commit to jumping in for the final painting job, until I was feeling it this weekend. I think it came out pretty well, and now that I know I am capable of it, I'm sure that I'll get drafted to do the same thing in the nursery before the little girl arrives in November. And that's fine. Painting rooms for the kids makes me feel especially dad-like, even if I am still picking the paint flecks off my skin two days later.

The problem with Potter

On Friday evening Beth got her grandmother to come babysit AJ and we went to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I love the books. I kind of like most of the movies. This one was made perfectly competently, but the ultimate problem is that trying to cram all of that rich, detailed writing into one two and a half hour flick always results in the same thing: the feeling that you've just had someone describe what it was like reading the Cliff Notes of that particular book. Prisoner of Akzaban seems to be universally viewed as the best of the movies thus far, and yet it's my least favorite. It might be great if you've never read the books, but I'll never know. Strangely, I think Chamber of Secrets is one of the best of the movies, and I'm almost positive it's my least enjoyable book of the series.

As for the recent offering, I've been writing a lot lately and that led me to watch it thinking about decisions that the writer made. There were some odd omissions and choices, to say the least. But really, it's a thankless task for the screenwriter. If he sticks to the material, the result invariably gets dubbed as "slavish to the source material," or some other nonsense. If the script veers too much in another direction, then it just infuriates the fans. There's no way to do it perfectly. Actually, there might be: film it as a cable series, with about a dozen episodes dedicated to each book. I think that could do the trick, and I really wonder if someone will attempt that some day.

Despite the fact that I think not one of the movies has hit it out of the park yet, they might have a shot of doing so with the upcoming, two part Deathly Hallows in 2010 and 2011. I'll be getting a baysitter then too.

Curt Schilling is a smart man

Schill with Five Red Sox Related Questions

This is the most painful part of the All Star break. It seems like the Sox haven't played a game in years, and they don't even get going again until tomorrow night. Sports writers inevitably mail in pieces like "keys to the second half" and "what to look for." Here, in his latest blog post, Curt Schilling hits on five points, with the difference between him and most baseball writers being that he clearly knows what he's talking about and his experience allows him a much deeper and meaningful insight on the topic. Case in point: in discussing the potential acquisition of Roy Halladay, he hits on how the move would also be a big one for the Boston bullpen, because it would require them to pitch fewer innings. In all of the Halladay conjecture so far--and obviously there has been tons--I don't think I've read one writer touch on that aspect of a potential deal. I also agree with Schill that all the Red Sox really need in the second half is health. He says:

"They don’t need anything if they have health because in my opinion if they stay completely healthy they are going to run away with the division. No team can match their staff 1-5 and certainly not in a five- or seven-game series."

I couldn't agree more.

A new blog and some fake baseball

Daddy Will Do It

This one's not going to be for everybody. It's a new blog I just started, and it is only going to be about my kid (soon to be kids!) and about me trying to be healthy. That's it. Don't click the link lightly. There will be sadness, sappiness, and pain there. But I hope there will be some good moments too. I've considered blogging about one or the other for a while now, so combining those two seems like a good idea. Feel free to check it out. If it's not your bag, I completely understand. No hard feelings. This blog will still be here, with way too much babbling about movies, TV, and sports.

Like my fake baseball teams, for example.

We're at the All Star break, which is a perfect time to assess things, and to pull a muscle giving myself a pat on the back for how awesome I am. I'm in one money roto league this year, the one with the first year auction draft, and I'm in first place at the break. This is great, because there was a cash bonus for this accomplishment. It's also nice because I'm in great shape to win this league and the big prize at the end of the season. I intentionally loaded up on offense and amassed a huge lead in steals, so last month I traded speedy Rays outfielder Carl Crawford for shaggy Giants ace Tim Lincecum. This move has worked out in a crazy good way. In the six starts since I acquired him, Lincecum has gone 5-0 with ungodly peripherals: a 1.29 ERA and a 0.80 WHIP, along with 54 Ks in 48.2 innings.

I was actually in first place at the time of the trade, with 102 points. A lot of owners would be satisified with this and simply stand pat, but I knew that my abundance of steals and my ability to move up in so many pitching categories made this trade a great one for me. I've moved up 2, 3, 4, and 2 spots in wins, Ks, ERA, and WHIP, to 113.5 total, good for a healthy five point lead.

I'm going to run away with this league.

My other fake baseball team is the mighty Chatham Bluefish squad of the computer-based SWBA Diamond Mind league. This is the simulation that uses actual statistics to play games. My Fighting 'Fish are the two time defending league champs and right now we are running away with our division, playing .700 ball and already looking ahead to October with visions of an unprecedented three-peat.

And that's not even all the good news. Since the computer uses all real-life stats, the game is always one season behind. That means my potential three-peaters are doing it with 2008's numbers. So how am I shaping up for next year? I have Albert Pujols having one of the greatest offensive seasons in the history of the game. My 2B, SS, LF, and DH all made the All Star team, as did a couple of my pitchers. The 2010 Chatham offense is going to be all-time good, and I'll have enough pitching to be in the mix to win another championship. And this is before even drafting anyone next year, where I always manage to work a little magic.

In other words, yes...I'm a big, huge dork. Enjoy the All Star game tonight.

All Star break

Good luck in St. Louis, boys. Dustin Pedroia will be sitting this one out, with good reason. But I expect a nice showing from the other five. My only real hope is that Wake gets into the game and has a nice inning. It's great for him to make the squad at this point in his career.

The Red Sox are sitting in first with a three game lead in the AL East at the break and I see no cause for concern the rest of the way. Our pitching is so good and so deep, occasional bullpen hiccups aside. I really think we're in great shape. We also haven't had the whole offense firing simultaneously all season--Jason Bay is hitting .215 over the past 30 days and Kevin Youkilis is batting .220 over that same span, which is why we've had trouble scoring runs lately. Meanwhile, David Ortiz and Dustin Pedroia have carried the load in July. If the top and middle of the order gets hot at once and the pitching keeps doing what they've been doing, we're going to win the division going away. This club is really built for the postseason too, probably even better than the 2004 and 2007 championship teams. It should be a fun ride.

I love the decision to bring Clay Buchholz up for a start right after the break. This accomplishes a couple of things. Theo and Tito love to find ways to grab extended patches of rest for their starting pitchers, and this is a brilliant way to do that. It also lets Clay come up to the big club, albeit briefly, which is something he deserves after the season he has had in Pawtucket so far. I hope that he is so lights out that they have to consider finding a way to keep him on the roster. This is kind of an unbelievable situation to be in--having so many good pitchers that we literally don't know what is the best way to employ them. A lot of teams in MLB are one injury away from devastation, and it's very comforting to know that we are not in that same spot.

Bring on the second half.

Sporcle

Sporcle: Mentally stimulating diversions

This website is so fun I just leave it up on my browser all the time. It features tons of different quizzes on a number of subjects: history, literature, geography, movies, sports, you name it. Each quiz has a time limit and you have that long to name as many members of the selected category as you can. It's stunningly simple and wildly entertaining. Go check it out. You'll thank me later...much later if you get as hooked on these quizzes as I do.

Universal Record Database

Universal Record Database - The definitive site for human achievement

This website is really cool. At least I think it is. It allows anyone, anywhere to set any "universal record" that they want, as long as there is documentation and a witness. Site users vote on the validity and also the simple coolness of the record. No attempt is too ridiculous, no record to narrow or specific. That's it. That's the whole purpose of the site. I remember when I was a kid, probably around 10 years old, I thought that I should try to set the Guinness World Record for playing Monopoloy. I don't know exactly why I settled on that idea, or even what the record was, but it seemed like a really good idea at the time. It's worth mentioning that this is actually a category on the URDB, with the record time checking in at a robust 54 hours. I don't think I'm going to give that record a shot any more.

But I definitely think I should try something. As is abundantly clear after looking at the website, it can be anything. Almost literally. Cameron Diaz (yes, that Cameron Diaz) set a universal record for bunny snuggling in a hammock on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I don't know what I like about this best: the record subject itself, the fact that Cameron Diaz, of all people, set it...or that her record has already been broken.

Anyway, I have to set a universal record. Any great ideas?

Yeah 'Sheed!

Rasheed Wallace to sign with Boston Celtics

This is going to be a tough one for me, at least at first. Admittedly, I root for the laundry. I always have, and I always will. But let's not sugarcoat this one: I hate Rasheed Wallace. I think I started disliking him in college, and then I grew to downright loathe the man when he started racking up technical fouls in the NBA at a rate that would shame a crack baby with Tourette's. 'Sheed was the only player ever ejected from the McDonald's All-American game. That's an All-Star game, in case you are wondering...for high school kids. He demolished the NBA single season record for technicals with 41 in 2001. That's not a typo. That's 41 Ts, or a rate of one every other game over the course of a full schedule.

But now that he's going to be wearing the Celtic Green, I dug a little deeper. I always thought 'Sheed was just a crybaby, but it turns out he thinks he is misunderstood and treated unfairly. Guess what? He has been! Wallace was suspended for seven games for confronting a ref after a game about said unfair treatment. Just hothead 'Sheed out of control, one would think. Well, what if I told you that the ref in question is currently serving time in the federal pen for rigging games? A-ha! Maybe poor 'Sheed was right all along!

Oh, who am I kidding. This one's going to take me a little while. I haven't felt like this since the Red Sox signed David Wells, who I hated with a passion. I found myself yelling "Yeah, Boomer!" during his opening start and I couldn't even get that out with a straight face. I'm sure it will be the same with Rasheed for at least a while this fall.

But I'll be well over that issue when the playoffs roll around and we grab banner number 18.

The List - #19 completed

#19. Watch a Lord of the Rings marathon.

Admittedly, this is not a big, life-altering item from The List. But it sounded like a lot of fun, and as a movie fan it is definitely something I should do at least once. I didn't know when I would get around to this one, since I have found that the older A.J. gets, the tougher it is to sit down and watch a single flick uninterrupted, let alone an epic trilogy. And I certainly didn't think it would take place this past weekend. But that's exactly what happened.

My brother's wife and kids are on the Cape right now, so since he was home alone he came down to visit for the weekend. We grilled up some burgers and dogs for the 4th and settled in to watch the Red Sox. Except that didn't happen, as we were screwed yet again by the ridiculous FOX Saturday blackout rules, despite paying pretty big bucks for the Extra Innings package. Thus, without baseball, we had to do something else. Somehow the possibility of doing this came up, and before we could talk ourselves out of it I grabbed the extended edition DVDs and loaded them into the player. Total running time: 681 minutes. We started shortly after 2 PM. It also warrants mentioning that we started drinking immediately.

The first crisis came before we even began when we realized we were low on ice. I don't want to throw all the blame on the wife, but I don't know anyone else in the house that fixes 64 ounce cups of ice water. Anway, she later rectified the situation by running out to the store. Not only did she get ice, but she completely loaded us up with mixers, snacks, and even a cooler so we could keep everything within arm's reach. This was huge.

Early on during Fellowship I decided I had to update our progress somehow, so I made a Facebook post announcing that we were embarking on the trilogy, and then I followed that up with Twitter updates. This was a much bigger hit with some friends than I anticipated, as nearly immediately a couple of buddies chimed in, excited by what they thought was a great idea. They also insisted on running commentary via Twitter, and I was all too happy to oblige. Overall, the trilogy viewing was a lot of fun, although it was also more grueling than I imagined. I hit the wall about halfway through ROTK but I battled through to the end.

I don't know if doing this with all six Star Wars movies will be easier or harder, but I will definitely try that too at some point.

Picture quality

The pizza pictures I posted looked pretty crappy and it is completely because of the process I used to get them here on the blog. I won't bore you with the technical details, but in the future I promise that any photos I post will look better than those did.

AJ goes to camp

My boy is going to a month of "camp" at the Montessori school that he will be attending. He goes three times a week for four hours. He's two years old. We decided that it was absolutely essential to get all of the following to facilitate camp preparedness:

new t-shits
new polo style shirts
new shorts
new sneakers
new socks
a new backpack (with Lightning McQueen and The King, naturally)
a new lunch kit (also adorned with Cars characters)
two different kinds of snack bars
three different kinds of snacks in pouches
a sandwich holder with a built in ice pack to keep the sandwich cool, if desired
a snack holder with a built in ice pack, to keep the snacks cool, if desired

You'd think we're sending him off to backpack through Europe or something.

The List - #50 completed

#50. Make a pizza from scratch, including the dough.

I've never made pizza at home. I'm sure we did it a few times when I was a kid, but as an adult (or whatever I am now), I've just never seen the point in expending so much effort when you can just get someone to literally bring some right to your door. At least, that's how I felt before. But as I have learned more about cooking and have grown to appreciate the stuff I make myself, this seemed like a natural way to go. I got a pizza stone and a great trio of pizza-themed cookbooks for Father's Day so this was a great chance to put it all together and give it a shot.

I started with the sauce. I'm currently trying to eat really healthy food and drop a few more pounds, and obviously this is not a lifestyle that meshes well with pizza consumption. But I figured I would do what I could, so I opted to use a sauce recipe from The Biggest Loser family cookbook. I have made this once before and I really liked the taste, healthy or not. I made it again, although I didn't have the crushed red pepper that the recipe called for so I substituted ground cayenne pepper, which added a little extra spice that I enjoyed.Next up was the dough, and this was the only part of the equation that I was worried about. I'm not a baker. This makes no sense, because I love pretty much any baked good that I can get my paws on. But I have never learned how to do it, aside from following a pre-packaged mix or something similarly easy. But I picked a basic dough recipe from one of the pizza cook books and got down to it. It rose just like it was supposed to. I've worked in pizza places before, yet my dough-working skills are still a bit lacking. I did the best I could, or at least gave it a good shot as a total rookie. Pie number one was basically a simple margherita, with sauce, good mozzarella cheese, and basil. I don't think I got the dough pounded thin enough. It was very tasty, but the bottom crust was not at all crusty.For pizza number two, I went for pepperoni and shredded mozz. I intentionally wanted to keep things pretty simple this first time out and I was happy with the results. I think I got the dough in better shape on this second pie, and it was also really delicious. The outside crust was great, but the bottom was still not as crisp as I would like. I think I can get this better in future attempts. Overall, I give the experience a big thumbs up. It was fun to do, and the resulting pies were definitely better than any pizza delivery chain stuff. I will keep at this.

The List - #13 completed

#13 (from Esquire). Get a deep tissue massage.

Before this year I had never gotten a massage. My wife loves them, and we went to Las Vegas in January and she thought it would be a great idea to get a couples massage. I wasn't at all opposed to the idea, just generally I can find something else I would rather do with my time and/or my money, especially in Vegas. But we got one and it was great. My back has been bothering me off and on a lot lately, and I've noticed that when I get a massage, it actually makes it a little worse at first, and then it feels great a day or two later. I have no idea if this is standard for everyone.

I was back in Vegas in April and since I arrived before the other guys coming in, I got another one. Another winner. But I had never had a deep tissue massage until a couple of weeks ago, at the Bliss spa at the W Hotel in Scottsdale. My masseuse recommended it and said it would be great for the back issues. I ended up with a big sore spot the next morning, but shortly after that it felt really great and loose. I even sprung for the ridiculously overpriced minty exfoliating stuff she suggested--bag pictured in photo. I tried that at home and it was very tingly, invigorating, and refreshing.

That last sentence is probably the gayest thing I have ever written in this blog.

The List - #103 completed

103. Hang the big mirror by the front door.

Okay, so this isn't a really earth-shattering item from The List, but it was a good one to knock out. We've had this mirror for a long time--at least as long as we've lived here, I think, which is just over a year now. But I never hung it up. The main reason (aside from simple laziness) was the need to not only find proper and secure mounting stuff for the wall, but that the mirror itself also needed special mounting pieces added to the back of it. But within the first week of starting The List, I decided this would be an easy one to do, even for a not-so-handy guy like myself. I mounted two brackets on the back with a screwdriver, which was a piece of cake because there was a nice, solid piece of wood on there, as if placed exactly for such a task. The other bonus was that there were two studs in the wall located pretty much exactly where we wanted the mirror to hang. So up it went. One item down, 150 to go.

The List

Last year Esquire magazine published a piece called 75 Things Every Man Should Do Before He Dies. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff, so re-reading it recently sent me searching the web for similar ideas, where I came across a site called Day Zero, where people post lists of 101 specific things they want to do over the course of 1,001 days. Both of these things are very cool, so I combined them into my own master list: the 75 from Esquire, plus 76 of my own, resulting in a list of 151 things to do over the next 1,001 days. I started on June 3. It also warrants mentioning that the Esquire list has some items that I have already done, and others that are fairly unattainable. I don't see myself going to Paris for two weeks, for instance. That would be great, but it just isn't happening any time over the next three years. There are a few other items on the list that just aren't going to happen, either.

But when paired with my own additions, I have lots of items on The List that I can do. I'm off to a good start. I've already knocked out a few things and several others are in various stages of progress. Since I'm often at a loss for things to blog about, The List will provide some great ideas. I'll try to get pictures when I take care of cool items on there, and I will update my progress here.

Nine People I Could Live Without At The Gym

I don't think I will ever really love going to the gym. I've gotten back into a good groove of going regularly, and I always feel better having gone to get a work out in. And it helps immensely that A.J. actually likes going with me now. All of that being said, there are certainly people and types of people at the gym that I have no need or desire to come across. I bet a few of these are familiar to everyone. So, here they are: NINE PEOPLE I COULD LIVE WITHOUT AT THE GYM 1. Moaning and groaning in the shower guy. Yikes. I'm sure you just had an awesome workout, and that warm water coursing over your taxed body now feels really invigorating. But you're not at home, dude. You're in a fairly small, somewhat confined space with other naked strangers. Let's keep any clearly audible, guttural noises to a minimum, okay? 2. Weird interval treadmill guy. There's a guy I've seen more than once who seems to spend more time dangling from the sides of the machine, not walking or running, than doing anything else. For some reason this really bugs me when I'm next to him. Or perhaps just hanging from a moving treadmill by your arms is a great cardio exercise that I should try. 3. Guy lifting weights while wearing jeans. Just...no. 4. The weight machine hoverer-stalker. Look, I know you want to jump in and knock out a few sets. So do I. That's why I'm on the damn thing. And I'll be done as quickly as possible, I promise. 5. Not really getting any exercise on the exercise bike guy. This was an actual, singular person I spotted in front of me last week: kid in his 20s, in shape, wearing a backpack and sipping a cup of hot coffee while pedaling at a pace so slow the speedometer barely registered any movement. Warm up? Cool down? Odd way to pass time? Not sure, but he was playing hoops later. I can almost let the backpack go, but who doesn't just put that in a locker or toss it beside the machine? And hot coffee...really? Weird. 6. The oddly proportioned middle aged lady I always see jogging on the track who looks like Zorak from Space Ghost. She just creeps me out. 7. Old dudes way too psyched to be walking around the locker room nude. I understand it's a locker room. I'm not going to giggle like a third grader. But some guys seem like they are outright enjoying this time, strutting around like runway models on the cat walk. This just doesn't do much for me. 8. Guys that leave lockers full of their wet, smelly, sweaty gear and then close the locker and leave the key in it, leading one to believe that said locker is empty. Come on, man. I have no need to get a quick peek at your dirty drawers dry hanging on the hook. Just lock it up and take your key. It even has a little band so you can wear it on your wrist. 9. Smelly old man on the elliptical machine. It's just one dude in particular, but man, does he smell like pee.

Poor little A-Rod is tired

Slumping A-Rod to be sidelined two days with fatigue

Honestly.

That headline is pretty much the story. The guy's season in the majors started on May 8. So in less than six weeks of playing baseball, A-Rod has become so tired that the Yankees need to sit him down for not just one, but two ballgames.

Well, he did have surgery, so you may ask yourself, Is he sore? "No, he's not sore," said Yankee manager Joe Girardi from his spot on the hot seat.

Is he injured? Nope. He has played every game since his return.

Does he just suck now? A ha! We might be on to something. He is hitting .145 in June. He's 0 for his last 15. And for the season, he is batting a robust .212. This is probably as good a time as any to mention that his salary this year is $32 million, which doesn't include the $1 million portion of his signing bonus he received this year. I would calculate what that is going to cost on a per game basis, but that's tough to do since I don't know how often he will be too tired to go out and play nine innings of baseball.

The moral of all this? If you're a major leaguer that does 'roids, you deserve every single bad thing that happens to you.

A moron, and also a liar, apparently

No, I'm not talking about A-Rod again, although that headline certainly applies to him as well. I'm talking about one of my most loathed broadcasters of all time, the inimitable Joe Morgan. Anyone who knows me understands all too well my hatred for Simple Joe. Why do I despise him so? I could list many reasons, but two qualities stand out at the top: his endless and utterly predictable self-aggrandizing chestnuts, and his reliance on providing "analysis" so mundane that anyone with any remaining gray matter was already aware of what he was talking about, or so blatantly wrong that it is incomprehensible how he ever got handed a microphone in the first place.

On the first point, feel free to play my version of the Joe Morgan Drinking game next time you catch him in the booth. Take one swig for "I" or "me," two for any mention of a former teammate or opponent, and chug it all for a reference to Cincinnati or the Big Red Machine. Have an alcohol poison control center on speed dial if you actually attempt this. As for his riveting "color commentary," I don't even know where to begin. He is such a notoriously insipid announcer that there was even a website devoted to him which, alas, has closed. They dutifully tracked his endless Joe-isms. Here is a choice example of Morgan being Morgan. Bear in mind, this was actually said by a man being paid to analyze baseball at the highest level:

* On the Red Sox (vs. the Rays) in the 2008 ALCS: "They cannot beat them by outscoring them." Actually, that's the only way any team can beat any other team, Joe.

Anyway, I could cherry pick bad Morgan quotes all day. But today we have reached a new low, even for him. It's the perfect storm of Joe Morgan. Self-important reference? Check. Story about his glory days? Check. Blatantly false to absurd degrees? Check!

It Wasn't So, Joe!

Headed to AZ

I'm off to Scottsdale in a few hours for a good friend's bachelor party weekend. The timing couldn't be better after having seen The Hangover, which is absolutely hilarious. I don't think we'll be slipping any roofies into our Jagermeister, though. I'll Tweet and try to send some pics of the debauchery as it happens on my Twitter page, so if you're one of my good friends who is missing this weekend...well, shame on you, but at least you can track our action a little.

http://twitter.com/ccmccandless

Have a great weekend, everyone. I know I will!

I despise Randy Johnson

Rat-faced, mullet wearing jerk Randy Johnson recently won his 300th game, which means now is as good a time as any to explain why, to paraphrase Newman, I despise Randy Johnson.

It was spring of 1992 in Arizona and some friends and I had just seen him pitch in a spring training game. He was no star then. He hadn't even won 50 games in the bigs, and his only claim to fame was that he was the tallest pitcher ever to take the hill. The game was unremarkable--I have no recollection of how he did or whether the Mariners even won or lost the game. But I had a scorecard or program from the game with me when we went to grab a post-game burger at Flakey Jake's in Tempe. I spotted Randy at a nearby table and, as a big baseball fan, I thought it would be cool to get him to autograph something from the game on the same day I saw him pitch. I didn't want to bother him, so I waited patiently by the door until he was done eating. At the door, I politely said that I had watched him play and I wondered if he would sign my program. "God, you guys never leave us alone," he spat.

What a dick.

Advising my Sim

I really enjoyed the first Sims game. It was pretty revolutionary at the time, and the most memorable moment for me came when I made B and all of her college roommates as Sims, and one of them somehow managed to burn herself to death using the grill. Since it was happening to little pixelated characters on a screen it was hilarious, as was the fact that occasionally her surviving Sim roommates would come outside to mourn at her grillside gravestone.

Sims 2 didn't grab me the same way, but Sims 3 looks like it is going to be another huge step forward, with a giant Sim neighborhood and the ability to integrate some of your Sim activity into social networking sites, YouTube, etc. In advance of the release of the game, there is a Sims mini game conducted entirely through e-mail. You select a pre-made Sim and he or she e-mails you, asking for advice on different matters. It seems pretty simple and rudimentary.

Or so I thought, until my advice led my poor Sim to get abducted by aliens.

I really had the best intentions. My sim has "evil" as a character trait and she asked me if she should take her telescope outside and spy on her neighbor's yoga session. This seemed like a no brainer. She hadn't done anything remotely evil, or even entertaining. She had already confided in me that she had a crush on said neighbor, and I was really pulling for her after her crush on her guitar teacher didn't work out. What's the worst that could happen, I thought? Apparently getting scooped up by aliens was an option I had not considered. Luckily she got great reception in space and was able to continue e-mailing me. I talked her into stowing away aboard an escape pod and eventually she came back to earth, unharmed.

But the evil trait is starting to manifest itself. She wants to scam some simoleons--the Sim form of currency--from her own mother by concocting a fake sign up sheet for a walk-a-thon and then just pocketing the cash. I have advised her against it, since the last time I nudged her toward something even semi-impure she ended up nearly getting analy probed. We'll see how it works out.

A-Rod: Still lying and cheating

It turns out the liar and cheater is an even bigger liar and cheater, including lying about cheating. Am I surprised? Not even a little bit.

A-Roid Book Bombshell

The significant details are that he's been juicing from high school until he was a Yankee, putting to bed the ridiculous notion that he "only" cheated for a few years with the Rangers. Now, I don't usually wish ill on other athletes, even ones I hate. But A-Roid deserves every bad thing that happens to him forever. He was an incredible athlete who had no need to cheat, and yet he did it anyway*. He blatantly lied about the cheating, even after he was caught dead to rights. I also love the Yankee fans who couldn't forgive him fast enough. "It's okay, because he admitted it!" was an actual Facebook post I read from a Yankee fan. Is it still okay, pinstripers? What more does he have to do to prove that he is a vile, despicable human being? Where's the line? Everyone should be done with this chump. Everyone.

* Or maybe he wasn't actually any good to begin with. This was always my biggest gripe with Barry Bonds roiding up--Bonds was a phenomenal baseball player before he ever touched drugs. If he stayed clean and played out his career, there is no doubt that he would have been regarded as one of the top five players of all time. Sure, maybe he would have ended up with "only" 600 homers if he didn't hit the juice. But he could run, he could field, he could do it all...he was the epitome of a five tool player. And he threw that all away just so he could turn the McGwire-Sosa "chicks dig the long ball" spotlight squarely on himself. I can understand why a guy struggling to make a roster would consider trying to get an edge. That at least makes sense on some level. But Bonds? Why? I don't get it. Which brings us back to A-Roid, whom I thought was in the same situation, which would have made his cheating just as stupid, if not moreso, depending on the time table. But now comes word that he has been doing this since high school, in which case he might never have been good enough to begin with. Maybe Chem-Free Alex is a fringe major leaguer, just a utility infielder. Obviously his massive, bordering-on-mentally-ill mind and ego never could have handled that. But now one thing is clear: we will never know the whole truth about A-Roid. And that's fine, because he is 100% dead to me. He's a mincing, prancing, self-obsessed, cheating phony, and not trading for him is the best transaction the Red Sox have ever been near. Getting him would have been worse than trading away Bagwell.

(P.S. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that his own Yankee teammates apparently nicknamed him "Bitch Tits" because the chemicals caused such an absurd change in his pecs. This is unfortunate, because it is a really horrible moniker and it is one that is absolutely going to be hurled at him from many places and people, including drunken fans at Fenway Park.)

(P.P.S. I think my favorite part of his comments today is the genuine enthusiasm he musters at the current Yankee two game "winning streak." Do I need to mention that their payroll is once again north of $200 million? Ladies and gentlemen, the third place finishers in the AL East in 2008, and on pace to be entrenched there once again...your New York Yankees!)

They sure did

Did Hometown Refs Benefit Bulls?

Yeah. Yeah, they did. It was awful. I actually had to do something else while watching the game, because the way NBA playoff games are officiated is so infuriating. It's small consolation to hear that clearly the game was, in fact, a complete bag job. But very small. There were probably five calls against the Celtics in the late fourth quarter and the overtimes that were outright fabrications--defensive fouls when replays showed no contact, offensive fouls that were beyond ridiculous, you name it. Maybe more. Throw in another 5-10 borderline calls that went against Boston and it made me want to throw a brick through the TV. And the Celtics still almost won. Absurd. I know that we're not winning the title this year. The painful part is that it doesn't matter how well we play. The NBA Finals will feature LeBron James vs. Kobe Bryant. The rest of the league doesn't even need to bother trying, and honestly, as far as the league cares, the rest of the Cavs and Lakers could sit this one out too. They might as well have Bron-Bron and Mamba play seven games of one-on-one. It's despicable.

Boo!

Teixeira Expects To Be Booed At Fenway Tonight

No shit.

The Boston Globe proposes another idea: that fans simply turn their backs and give him the silent treatment. While this sounds different, and is some attempt at taking the moral high road, I'm not interested. Sports is the last place in which booing is thoroughly acceptable, and if I had a ticket tonight, I would boo Teixeira until my throat was raw. He's a fake, overpaid, money-grubbing douchebag who acts like the Red Sox somehow did him wrong during their courtship of him, when apparently he, or at least his wife, had every intent of simply signing with the Yankees all along anyway. Just like A-Rod, this seems to be a case in which I wanted the guy at the time, but was then ecstatic that the Sox didn't end up with him. He enters tonight hitting .222, for the record, despite the fact that balls have been flying out of the new Yankee stadium at a record pace. By the way, there are plenty of really good seats available to see last year's third place finishers in the AL East if you are so inclined. Have I mentioned that Teixeira has never finished in the top 5 for MVP voting, has never been out of the first round of the playoffs, and still got $180 million? Nice.

But I digress. The booing. It's not just for Doucheface. It's for anyone that puts on the pinstripes, period. And I mean that. If my own mother discovered that she has a nasty slider and is death on righties and the Yanks signed her as an 8th inning relief specialist, I would boo the hell out of her if she came in to pitch a tie game at Fenway. I love you, Mom, but I totally would. If any of my friends played for the Yankees? BOOOOOOOOO. The only scenario I can come up with that might even provide the slightest hint of conflict is if my son got drafted by them. And honestly, I don't know what I would do then. Demand a trade, probably.

But anyone else? There is no high road. If you're in the pinstripes at Fenway, you are the enemy. Period. I wish that booing was socially acceptable in lots more situations: poor service in restaurants, when the blackjack dealer keeps pulling five card 21s, and pretty much any trip to the DMV, just for starters. But I feel no need or inclination to make some highbrow attempt at being perceived as a "better" fan. Mark Teixeira led us on with no intention of ever signing with us in order to extract the most cash that he could, and then he signed with our hated rivals. If that's not worthy of our vocal derision at the ballpark, then nothing is.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Fantasy baseball draft #2

I haven't watched ER in years but I decided to check in for the retrospective and the swan song on Thursday night. Coupled with Survivor, this meant that I'd be spending several consecutive hours sitting around not doing much. Perfect opportunity to participate in another fantasy baseball draft! I jumped onto ESPN and randomly joined a league with their standard settings: ten team mixed 5X5 draft. I got the first pick. Here's how it went.

1. Hanley Ramirez. Positional scarcity, steals, stud. What's not to like?
2. Dustin Pedroia. All of the above, plus now I at least own him in one league.
3. Lance Berkman. Solid, and I needed the most reliable power guy left on the board.
4. Matt Holliday. I think he is an outright steal with the 40th pick in the draft. People are acting like he's just going to die outside of Coors Field, and that is not happening.
5. Brandon Webb. As reliable as starters get.
6. David Ortiz. I thought this was a good spot to roll the dice on a return to form. If he gets hurt I can replace him with anyone since he is only eligible as a utility guy now.
7. Magglio Ordonez.
8. Joakim Soria. The Mexicutioner is probably the best nickname in baseball.
9. Jon Lester. He can absolutely win the Cy Young if the big 2008-09 innings pitched bump doesn't bite him.
10. Chris Young, OF, AZ. Solid 20-20 guy and I can handle his lower batting average.
11. Rich Harden. Rolling the dice for maximum return makes a ton of sense in these 10 team mixed leagues.
12. Victor Martinez. Stud or injury bust. I don't see a lot of middle ground.
13. Chone Figgins. 40 steals at a corner slot is nice.
14. Xavier Nady. He has to produce as a Yankee regular, right?
15. Ricky Nolasco. Breakout year coming up.
16. Kevin Gregg. Has been lights out, but I should handcuff him with Marmol now.
17. Carlos Guillen. Unsexy, solid player.
18. Shin-Soo Choo. I'm going with Matthew Berry on this one.
19. Chad Qualls. Great cheap closer.
20. Rickie Weeks. Always a chance he could put it all together, and if not backup middle infielder is an easy fill.
21. Carlos Marmol. A bit of a reach this early but I have the Cubs closers covered and I like having a high strikeout middle man to run out there every day. Should buzzard some wins and end up with saves as well.
22. Wandy Rodriguez. There were tons of decent fantasy 5th starter types left. I like the upside and I like the K rate.
23. Brad Ziegler. Steal. Joey Devine may be out for the year.
24. Elijah Dukes. More of that breakout upside I was looking for.
25. Johnny Cueto.

Obviously I was really aggressive with some of these picks, but if even half of them work out then my team will be absolutely stacked. It's a "just for fun" league with no prizes and nobody I know playing, but I figure since I had all my draft scouting done...why not?

I may sneak in one more draft before the weekend ends.

Baseball auction recap

Fantasy baseball geekery of the highest order ahead; proceed at your own risk.

On Monday night I had an auction draft for a first year fantasy baseball league. Actually, it isn't my first time playing with these guys. Most of them are friends with my wife from college and I've been playing in their leagues for a few years now. But this was the first time we switched from heads-up scoring to straight Roto, and more importantly, the first time we did an auction instead of a draft. All good things. We also use not just four, or even five, but six categories each for hitting and pitching, adding OPS and holds to the standard 5X5 format.

I didn't come in with one firm plan in mind, because that can often be a road to ruin if your fellow owners don't cooperate. Instead, I thought there were two likely scenarios on how this would go with a bunch of guys that have never participated in a baseball auction before: either people would be gun shy, and there would be great buys early, or they would throw money around like drunken sailors on shore leave during the draft's early moments.

It was mostly the latter.

I had designs on grabbing one of the top three players on my board: Hanley Ramirez, Albert Pujols, or David Wright, and I was prepared to spend $40 of my $260 budget on one. That didn't happen, as each name was thrown out very early and they sold for $42, $45, and $43 respectively. Jose Reyes, Ryan Braun, and Miguel Cabrera quickly joined the $40 club as well, and I bought none of them. Time to adjust the strategy on the fly. I had a master list of top hitters broken up into two tiers. I was immediately shut out of my tier one guys, but many of my stud tier twos remained. I entered the draft planning on getting at least three of them. I proceeded to happily double that.

Who would have guessed that my first purchase would wear the dreaded pinstripes? For $34, come on down, Mark Teixeira. Sure, I hate him, but he is going to rake balls into that short porch in right and he will post elite numbers in five categories. Next up: Astros 1B Lance Berkman for $33, an outright steal at that price compared to what his slugging brethren were fetching. I don't expect steals in the high teens again, but as long as he is mostly healthy he will fill up all six offensive categories nicely. My third acquisition was Dodgers OF Matt Kemp for $26, and that's the last time for a long time that he will be going for sub-$30 in any league. He hits, his power is ticking up, he swipes bags (35 steals last year) and now he will be in a lineup with Manny Ramirez for an entire season. Kemp is also all of 24 years old. Boom.

I grabbed Evan Longoria shortly thereafter, loving his upside at the hot corner for $30. I gritted my teeth and watched my beloved Dustin Pedroia go for the same price. I love Dusty--I mean, he's a Sun Devil and a Red Sock, come on!--but I just couldn't pay the frieght on that. I really hope he proves me wrong. Diamondbacks starter Dan Haren became my first pitcher, and the key to my staff. I planned to load up on cheap pitchers later and did exactly that, but I needed one reliable guy. Haren fit the bill.

Steals are often a tough category to manage, and if you don't come away with them on draft day they can be particularly difficult to acquire, so I had every intention of coming away with a number I thought would put me in the top 3-4 in the league. I did that and then some, grabbing Dreamy Jacoby Ellsbury and soon-to-bounce-back superstar Carl Crawford. Those two alone should tally over 100 combined thefts this year. I grabbed some great cheap speed as well: Rangers rookie Elvis Andrus and Astros' 2B Kaz Matusi should combine for over 50 and they cost me just a buck each.

Everything sounds great so far, right? Not so fast. In the early and mid-early rounds, I kept grabbing offensive studs at reasonable rates. Kevin Youkilis, come on down. Jason Bay with a full season in Fenway? Yes, please! This was all great, but before I knew it, I was down to less than $20 with about 16 spots to fill. In a way, I had hoped that this would become my strategy all along, for a few reasons. First, I was prepared for the "$1 endgame" of the draft, and that worked out as well as I could have hoped, as the only thing close to a $1 reach was my backup catcher--I got both of my backstops for a buck each, in fact. But at the end, there were plenty of players left that I would have been happy to add to my squad, exactly as I thought there would be. I cornered the market on the Red Sox 5th starter slot by grabbing the entire trio of Brad Penny, Clay Buchholz, and John Smoltz for a buck a pop. I'll shelve Smoltz on the DL and maybe stash Clay on my bench for a bit to see how things play out. He has been lights out this spring, and his upside if he grabs a full time rotation spot could be a gigantic difference-maker. Some of my end game $1 pickups that I think will be worth much more than what I paid: Chris Ray, Juan Rivera, Hideki Okajima, and Damaso Marte, to name a few.

I predicted that middle relievers would be undervalued, even with holds as a category, and they were. Does it really take much to figure out that closers have less value than ever when saves are only 1/12th of a team's score? I guess it does, because mediocre closers went for double and triple the prices paid to great middle men. I only have one legit 40 save closer right now, but I plan to play the waiver wire like a harp, stream pitchers on and off my roster all season, and trade some steals for what I need in mid summer.

It will be a fun league and an enjoyable season. My team is not an impregnable juggernaut like I thought it might be, but I certainly have strengths to work from. I'll be in the money, and if things break right, I make timely additions, and I swing a key trade or two I think I could be in position to win the whole thing.